“We Are Not Ourselves” by Matthew Thomas
I bought WE ARE NOT OURSELVES at Fact and Fiction, a great indy bookstore in Missoula, Montana. I’d never heard of the book but was impressed and intrigued at how many “bests” it received, including Publishers Weekly “Best Books of 2014” and Esquire’s “5 Most Important Books of 2014.”
It’s a long book. 620 pages. And worth every moment I spent reading them.
Eileen was born in an Irish neighborhood in Queens in 1941. As she matured, she vowed to attain a better life than the one her hard drinking, negligent parents provided. When she met and married Ed, a scientist and professor, she thought she’d found her ticket to that better life. Though her determination never wavers, Eileen faces constant setbacks as she, Ed, and their son, Connell, are dealt blow after blow, changing their relationships with each other and with themselves.
Though the book is equally focused on Eileen, Ed, and Connell, it’s written from two points of view—Eileen’s and Connell’s. I felt like I was in their house with the three of them as I read. I got to see how Ed and Eileen’s upbringings and resulting parenting styles affected Connell, and I watched him grow up, grow bitter, grow wiser. I saw the complexities of parenting and the conflicted feelings parents and children hold. I watched a marriage develop, saw what threatened to destroy it and what held it together. And I got to feel excited, distressed, sad, and furious with Ed, Eileen, and Connell as they navigate lives they would never have predicted nor preferred.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve often used the term “real self” to describe our inner, undefended, vulnerable cores, and “false self” to describe the fronts and defenses we use to protect ourselves. The title, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES, points, I believe, to what happens when our real selves are squelched by fear, and we relate to each other from our false selves. As a reader, I got to see Eileen and Connell and Ed sacrificing intimacy and authenticity for a safety that keeps eluding them. It is to Matthew Thomas’s credit that I so much wanted more for them.
Ed doesn’t much like TV series, but sometimes enjoys my account of an episode that moved me. The other night, I told him about a scene from Mad Men, in which a child was particularly tender with a parent who lacked much tenderness himself. When I finished, Ed said, “Wow. That’s what we’re looking for, huh? Flawed characters we identify with and can’t help caring about.”
That, and Matthew Thomas’s gorgeous writing make WE ARE NOT OURSELVES insightful, engaging, and hard to put down. All 620 pages worth.
It’s a long book. 620 pages. And worth every moment I spent reading them.
Eileen was born in an Irish neighborhood in Queens in 1941. As she matured, she vowed to attain a better life than the one her hard drinking, negligent parents provided. When she met and married Ed, a scientist and professor, she thought she’d found her ticket to that better life. Though her determination never wavers, Eileen faces constant setbacks as she, Ed, and their son, Connell, are dealt blow after blow, changing their relationships with each other and with themselves.
Though the book is equally focused on Eileen, Ed, and Connell, it’s written from two points of view—Eileen’s and Connell’s. I felt like I was in their house with the three of them as I read. I got to see how Ed and Eileen’s upbringings and resulting parenting styles affected Connell, and I watched him grow up, grow bitter, grow wiser. I saw the complexities of parenting and the conflicted feelings parents and children hold. I watched a marriage develop, saw what threatened to destroy it and what held it together. And I got to feel excited, distressed, sad, and furious with Ed, Eileen, and Connell as they navigate lives they would never have predicted nor preferred.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve often used the term “real self” to describe our inner, undefended, vulnerable cores, and “false self” to describe the fronts and defenses we use to protect ourselves. The title, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES, points, I believe, to what happens when our real selves are squelched by fear, and we relate to each other from our false selves. As a reader, I got to see Eileen and Connell and Ed sacrificing intimacy and authenticity for a safety that keeps eluding them. It is to Matthew Thomas’s credit that I so much wanted more for them.
Ed doesn’t much like TV series, but sometimes enjoys my account of an episode that moved me. The other night, I told him about a scene from Mad Men, in which a child was particularly tender with a parent who lacked much tenderness himself. When I finished, Ed said, “Wow. That’s what we’re looking for, huh? Flawed characters we identify with and can’t help caring about.”
That, and Matthew Thomas’s gorgeous writing make WE ARE NOT OURSELVES insightful, engaging, and hard to put down. All 620 pages worth.